For the past several years, I stopped making New Year’s resolutions. I felt I kept lying to myself – with good intentions – by making a list of what I planned to accomplish that year, only to fail miserably. The vicious cycle left me weary and began presenting a challenge for me with self-trust. Fortunately, the same year I abandoned the practice, a co-worker/friend of mine introduced me to a new way of goal setting. She had a practice of choosing one word to focus on during the year that addresses various aspects of her life. You know, those rough or messy places that go unaddressed, need attention, and we don’t post on social media. I shouted! I thought it was a great idea, and I’ve been engaging in this practice each year since. I found it so beneficial, that I shared it with my family and friends.

While I’ve found this to be a great way to set and reach personal goals, I caution you that it is not for the faint of heart. It takes me months to select the word, and some have lasted me for multiple years. I stay with my word regardless of how long it takes until I, and those assigned to me, believe I have made the appropriate corrections in my life. My hardest word – vulnerability. I still feel a flutter in my stomach when I mention the word. I might have to go back to that one again. Lol.

This year when the clock struck 12 a.m., and the new year made its way in with great fanfare, as it always does, I was ready to share my word with my family, and on my social media channels. I announced my word was “Love.” Ironically, I ended the announcement post with a “Whew, chile!” comment. I knew the word was going to be a heavy lift for me for various reasons. Let me just go ahead and take the mystery away now. Love will be my word for 2021. I made absolutely no progress with it in 2020. Zero. Let me explain.

We are expected to love our neighbor, as we love ourselves. And, if we’re intentional about honoring this expectation, it means we have to release our cynicism, envy, pettiness, and other unflattering behaviors to consistently engage with others from a place of good intentions, assume they are engaging with us from the same place, and most important, extend grace when they don’t. Talk about a struggle! For me, if you come for me and I didn’t send for you, Miss Petty Boop surfaces and I will ride that wagon until the wheels fall off or until you get my point – whichever comes first. Rival or foe, I wore my ability to “get you off of me” as a badge. Thus, one of my reasons for picking the word.

I was going through this year thinking I had made really good progress with my word.  I managed difficult people  differently, defined boundaries in my relationships, extended grace when they were crossed, and I even released my need to prove my point in a petty match that I’d taken on for quite some time. I was proud of myself!

Last week, I reconnected with a good friend, mentor I had lost touch with. Wait, we didn’t lose touch. I disconnected from her. Not because something happened between us, rather, because when I go through challenging times in my life, I tend to go it alone. I turn inward, and try to figure it out without you. When we talked my heart was full! She’s not just any friend. I trust, respect, admire, and love her as a person. She was the first lady at a church I attended when I lived in upstate New York. She and her husband, my former pastor, supported my boys and me in so many ways, and she is a reverend. A true woman of God. I was so excited to catch up! As I was telling her about everything that had been going on in my life, I finished my update by sharing one issue I had been dealing with for a while. She paused briefly and asked, “Have you become comfortable with dysfunction?” See why I love her?!

The answer to that question – “Am I engaged in dysfunction? Yes. Am I comfortable with it? No!” We talked through that perspective and much more, and wrapped our conversation up with a promise to never lose touch with one another again. While I seemingly made progress with showing love to others, I’d fallen short with self-love. I thought to myself, “How effective, then, was I really with other people?” The revelation took my breath away.

On the journey to becoming the best version of yourself, you will have to decide who comes first – you or other people. Understand, if you are not at your best, then you’re not giving your best to others. It’s simply not possible. I thought my work was external. I have consistently demonstrated pride in the work I’d done on myself early in my life, and boasted about how much I love myself. What I learned is there’s another level I must get to – my work is internal. I have to passionately protest the mediocrity of dysfunction. I must release the defensiveness that causes Miss Petty Boop to rear her ugly head. And, I need to extend the same grace to myself that I have to others.

The good news about my revelation is, I can petition God for help, and so can you! Love. It’s complicated. It doesn’t have to be. Assessing where you are in love, how you show love to yourself and others, and what you want from love is the best gift you can give yourself in this season of giving. Just imagine what this means for your service to others if you get this right.

Visit www.yourpointofpride.com to start the journey of becoming the best version of yourself.