This week’s blog is not a motivational message, nor it is an “Aha moment,” new discovery, or something you don’t already know. It’s a reality check about a truth in life, from my perspective, that has always existed. One that you and I experience almost daily.

I recently caught up with a friend who was the subject of a blog post several weeks ago, “Love is Blind, Trust is Not (link).” I wrote about how she learned her husband had been having an affair for the entirety of their marriage, and her ensuing struggle with trusting herself and God. On our call last week, she was telling me about what’s been happening in her marriage since that time, including some recent shenanigans that occurred on her job which triggered a painful (and inappropriate, in my opinion) response. She discovered a staff member of hers knew critical information that put the organization at risk. Information about something he was responsible for and didn’t tell her. And, when she first asked him about it, he denied it.

It was painful for her because it triggered the painful place she’s in personally. Her husband had done the same thing, denied his actions that put their marriage at risk – actually, his actions broke the marriage and her, although she hangs on. She called her employee a liar to his face. I advised her that the professional perspective was he lied to her, she had no proof this was a pattern attached to his character to call him a liar. Her response to him was personal. Her husband, on the other hand, is a liar. And his pattern of such remains consistent based on her update. But, I digress.

As I was listening to what she was sharing with me, I immediately put my crisis strategist hat on. It’s a passion of mine on which I built my career, and has served me well in times of trouble. However, by the time she finished, the story hit me in different way – the root cause was the power of the tongue.

There’s a childhood saying from my day that many of my old school readers might be familiar with – “sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me!” In my youth, the phrase was used to get us to turn the other cheek, or show indifference when someone was being cruel to us. The purpose was to avoid getting in a fight, or teach you to be a bigger person by ignoring what other people say. Now, I know our ancestors meant well, but this is a crock! Some people are still broken from words said to them in childhood, or throughout their lives, where they were criticized, or called names like ugly, fat, stupid, or the like, that they somehow subscribe to until this very day. Words have power – especially lies – including lies of omission.

Every single one of us has lied about something and been lied on or to at some point in our lives. So much so, that our society has determined the need to classify a lie in two different categories – one that is acceptable, and one that isn’t. In fact, Merriam-Webster defines a white lie as, “a lie about a small or unimportant matter that someone tells to avoid hurting another person.” It defines a lie as, “to make an untrue statement with intent to deceive, or to create a false or misleading impression.” Which type of lie is acceptable to you? Has a white lie – one told to avoid hurting you – caused pain or irreparable damage in your life? Has a lie you told caused damage in someone else’s life? Do you enable others’ lies?

If a spouse says they’re not romantically involved with someone else when they are, a bully tells a depressed teen they are not worthy to live, or a manager tells an employee they are performing well on the job and promotes them when everyone knows they’re not, the impact of the lie could cause irreparable damage. Who gets to determine if the lie was meant to avoid hurting the person, or if it was to create a misleading impression according to our society’s definitions? Furthermore, what’s the difference?! And, what about lies of omission?

In the end, would it even matter which type of lie it was if the spouse discovers the infidelity and emotionally and mentally breaks like my friend, the depressed teen commits suicide as some have, or the low performing employee’s promotion kills the organization’s morale? Didn’t something or someone die in each instance?

The truth – words have impact! Whether you lie to get what you want, hide something, pit people against one another, protect your pride, avoid embarrassment, or avoid hurting others, Proverbs 18:21 confirms, “Death and life are in the power of the tongue.” We all think we’re right, the devil is in the details. How white is your lie?

Choosing our words carefully is a start. Let’s also consider the consequences, too, and choose truth!