Feature: Just A Thought – Rising To The Occasion

I tend to spend a considerable amount of time examining my own thoughts and feelings. I can’t tell you exactly when I started becoming so introspective, perhaps it began as a young girl under my mother’s constant rules and cliches about what “young ladies” do and don’t do. Throughout my upbringing, she would say things like “close your legs, young ladies don’t sit like that,” “don’t be fast (be quick to engage in sexual activity),” “your reputation will follow you no matter where you go, and when you get married, you don’t want your husband to ever be in a position where another man in the room can say he had you,” or the one that haunts me till this day “young ladies don’t call boys, you let them call you.”

I will be the first to admit that throughout my dating experiences, I have received a significant amount of feedback that I “don’t express interest,” “could call sometime, too,” and I managed the relationship “my way.” They were right. I believed, and still do, that a woman should be pursued. That being said, I could’ve done a better job of expressing interest by turning my mom off in my head, instead of having them work so hard. I’m recovered now – except for the phone calls. Lol.

When my boys were young and I was asked out on a date, I would tell my suitor that he would have to pay for the babysitter, if I accepted his invitation. My thoughts were, he knew I was divorced with children and he was asking for my time – why should I pay? My babysitter marveled at the concept and appreciated being paid handsomely to watch my boys. Ironically, she made a remark about this very thing when we reconnected on Facebook a few years ago. I chuckled that she was still tickled about those days. As I reflected, I realized my behavior was normal to me, but considered high expectations to others.

I am reminded of a time when my oldest son attended an event at my job. He complimented the team on the good job they had done. They said “Your mother had us jumping.” His response “Tell me about it. Imagine being raised by her.” They all laughed. I thought about it and wondered if I pushed my son too hard. I was clear about my push with my team.

I’m no different today. My expectations are high – for myself, and others who work with me, are assigned to me, or engaged in my life in any capacity. This is consistently a topic of conversation for me. Somewhere along the line I decided this was a behavior that I didn’t want to change. I want the best for them, and for myself.

On the journey to becoming the best version of yourself, you too, will have to decide what your expectations will be for yourself, your spouse, significant other, children, family, friends, and your team at work if you manage people. While this may seemingly be an easy choice to make, it will not necessarily be as easy to execute. You will likely experience resistance, criticism, and people who choose to not be a part of your life. When you have the courage to challenge people about their behavior(s), they tend to look at it as a personal attack, rather than your taking issue with their action(s). Focusing on their behavior and its impact is important to helping someone understand what your expectations are of them.

To set a standard for others, you have to first examine the expectations you have set for yourself – these are the most important. It would be difficult to build clear expectations with others if you don’t know what they are yourself. Be careful not to compare the expectations you set for your life, with the expectations someone else sets for theirs. Avoiding the temptation to put the same expectations you have for your life, on others’ lives is critically important, too. I’m learning this lesson myself. It’s still a work in progress. I have a habit of seeing greatness in others, setting up opportunities to help them see it, too, while pushing them to realize what I see. Identifying their greatness and creating opportunities is fine. Pushing with expectation that they will see what I see is not.

A shared vision, personally or professionally, should be realized by setting an example, demonstrating strong leadership, having courage, inspiring others, and holding fast to the expectations you have of yourself and others. Lowering your expectations to avoid losing someone, or for fear of being criticized, only serves to hurt you, them, and others.

While reflecting on my oldest son’s comments about my high expectations, I rested on the fact that he is an amazing young man who is consistent, has strong character, and has never brought us any real trouble. This is true for all of my boys. And, my former team is filled with superstars, each in their own right. They continue to be recognized across the entire organization as high performers who consistently deliver excellence. Yes, I lost a few team members along the way – voluntarily and involuntarily – who stated my expectations were too high for them. People get to choose if they want to rise to your standards or not.

No one is perfect, least of all me. Yet, if we all have the courage to set high expectations for ourselves and others, great things will happen and everyone wins. We owe it to ourselves and others to do so.